Somehow, I didn’t think I could hurt this much ever again. I guess I really fell for Warren in only 2 days. I’ve been checking my email every few hours, hoping beyond all hope that he’ll respond to my email. I guess I’m just stupid. Now my chest is burning with tears that I don’t want to shed over the fact that there is no response, and I’m still all alone.
I know that I’ve been told countless times that I’m rather attractive, but I’ve never felt that way. I’m a short, stubby girl who has only got big boobs going for her. I am constantly reminded that I’m heavier than I should be, to the point that I can’t even accept my body at all. I’m just an entity living in it.
And to make it worse, I can only dream of having someone special to me. There is no one, except the ones who are in my dreams, regardless of how much I want more.
My friends all have boyfriends, yet I do not, and I wish that I did more than anything else. I’m desperate beyond all reasons that I can rationalize.
Warren not responding really hurts, and I’m not sure why. Maybe it’s because he listened to me while I talked, and I felt this warm connection to him. Maybe the reason is entirely different. For the first time in my life, I really FELT when I first saw him. He was cute, and totally not the typical kind of guy I like. He’s blond, for one. I tend to go for brunettes. Then he’s also really smart, and foreign. He spoke of things I can only dream of doing, like going overseas to a place where he’s got no family nearby. How I wish I could do that.
But there was just, this spark. My chest felt constricted when I looked at him, and not in a bad way. I was hot and cold, and my heart simultaneously sped up and slowed down when he first smiled at me.
I really considered missing the premiere of Wolverine and the X-Men just to continue to talk to him. I’m kinda glad that I didn’t, though.
When I spoke to him, I told him about my writing, and we discussed alternate universes where the opposite happens to whatever happens here. For example, I told him that if I had a chance to either go on a date or go out with my friends, but I chose the date and got into a bad car accident on the way home in this universe, then in the alternate universe I would have gone with my friends and been fine.
I started thinking about how that would affect what happened with me when I met him. If I had chosen to stay and chat instead of going to the premiere, what would have happened? If I had chosen not to go at all, then I never would have met him. Hell, I never would have had the chance to search him out as I left to say goodnight. I wonder if that was the wrong thing to do.
Maybe I scared him away the next day, by going with Jenna and letting him know that I took the time to search for him, just so I could ask for his email and tell him that I enjoyed talking to him the night before. At least I got a picture and his email, which brings me back to where I started. I’m now wondering how often he checks his email, and if I’ll ever get a response, especially since it looks like I’m not getting one today.
My heart is clenching in a bad way at the thought. I need to talk to him again. I should have asked for his phone number, or given him my email or something. But then again, if I had, maybe he would have thought less of me…
I don’t know how he feels about me, and I think that hurts the most.