My night has been great and heart-wrenching...
First, it was great because I got to spend some quality time alone with my dad, but it was only because we drove my car down to my grandmother's house so that he can catch a flight tomorrow morning to get back to DC. But then again, any personal chat time is a good thing with him, because I have an easier time talking with him when we're just one on one.
Then, I had to leave him and drive home alone... NOT fun! I HATE driving the 405 at night!
After that, when I got home, I sat down and watched the season 2 finalé of True Blood. And what a finalé it was! I LOVED the episode for the most part, but HATED the ending! It was so completely heart-wrenching that I still have tears in my eyes from it! (However, I'm not going to spoil the ending here.) Let's just say that it makes an EXCELLENT cliff-hanger leading to season 3, but at the same time I just didn't want it to happen like that, and I'm sure that my theory about who the "bad guys" are for season 3 will end up being proven true.
My theory... Well, let's just say it involves a certain vampire calling on another to kidnap another vampire and torture said vampire...
Either way, I think I'm not gonna sleep until I rewrite the ending of that episode to the ending I want, then I'll go to bed... Yeah, I'm actually that depressed by the ending! Is that pathetic?
Showing posts with label Depressed. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Depressed. Show all posts
Sunday, September 13, 2009
Wednesday, June 24, 2009
Andy
Hey guys, this one is really personal to me, and it is something that's completely true to me. If you're uncomfortable with a blog post that mentions sex, this would be a good post to ignore...
I can't stand it. I can't stand thinking about Andy and missing him and realizing that when I fantasize about sex, I see him moving over me, in me, around me, love shining at me through his dark sensual eyes. I haven't seen him nor talked to him in years, and I still miss the relationship I had with my former best friend. Andy was the best I had, and then I lost him, and lost a part of me. I want him back in my life with a desperation that I know nowhere else in me.
There isn't a day that passes when I don't think about him, even if only for a brief second.
At this point, he's been gone from my life so long that I'm kind of numb thinking about him, but then I walk by something or see something that reminds me of him, and I'm no longer numb. My chest burns in pain, and I wish desperately again to see him, hang out like we used to…
I'll always remember watching The 10th Kingdom with him, him laying on the couch, me laying on his chest, just relaxing together, smiling, and enjoying some quality escapism on the laptop screen in front of us.
I remember that he fell asleep under me once, missed at least half an hour of the movie, and while he slept, his arm came down and wrapped around my waist. I wish now that I'd had the foresight to ask my mom or dad to take a picture of us like that. It would be a comfort for me now.
However, I just can't forget that he chose his girlfriend over me. I understand that there's a distinction between a man's best friend and his girlfriend, especially when he's a year older than his best friend. But, from what I do recall of our relationship, he'd been telling me he loved me for a couple months, and I to this day believe he meant it as nothing more than a close friendship type of love. I'd even gotten so comfortable that I'd tell him I loved him back. Then, a couple months after this started, he stopped calling and asking to hang out. I'd call him instead, and he was never home (granted, he IS a year older, and was already at CSUN, but still…), so he never really had time to visit. But, when he was home on weekends visiting, he didn't have time for me either.
I think the moment I realized that the close friendship we'd cultivated and shared for so many years was over was when I was at a bar or bat mitzvah, miserable out of my mind. I called him, and he picked up the phone. When I told him I missed him, and wanted to see him soon, there was hesitation on his side of the line. There was a long pause before he told me he missed me too, but he had to go. That was the breaking point. When my family left that damned bar or bat mitzvah, I was struggling to keep my composure. I'm still not sure how I lasted until I got home before crying.
I think he broke me that day. It's years later, and I still can find guys attractive, but none have really made me stand up and take notice. I can't feel more than friendship for them, and I'm scared that I'm going to end up alone for the rest of my life.
I just want to hug and cuddle Andy one more time. He was my friend, my protector, and in many non-physical ways, the love of my life. I just hope he wasn't my soul mate. That would just kill me now, since if I ever really saw him again, I don't think I'd be able to talk to him without trying to hurt him the way he's hurt me.
Strangely enough, I don't think he realized or cared about how much he hurt me.
I can't stand it. I can't stand thinking about Andy and missing him and realizing that when I fantasize about sex, I see him moving over me, in me, around me, love shining at me through his dark sensual eyes. I haven't seen him nor talked to him in years, and I still miss the relationship I had with my former best friend. Andy was the best I had, and then I lost him, and lost a part of me. I want him back in my life with a desperation that I know nowhere else in me.
There isn't a day that passes when I don't think about him, even if only for a brief second.
At this point, he's been gone from my life so long that I'm kind of numb thinking about him, but then I walk by something or see something that reminds me of him, and I'm no longer numb. My chest burns in pain, and I wish desperately again to see him, hang out like we used to…
I'll always remember watching The 10th Kingdom with him, him laying on the couch, me laying on his chest, just relaxing together, smiling, and enjoying some quality escapism on the laptop screen in front of us.
I remember that he fell asleep under me once, missed at least half an hour of the movie, and while he slept, his arm came down and wrapped around my waist. I wish now that I'd had the foresight to ask my mom or dad to take a picture of us like that. It would be a comfort for me now.
However, I just can't forget that he chose his girlfriend over me. I understand that there's a distinction between a man's best friend and his girlfriend, especially when he's a year older than his best friend. But, from what I do recall of our relationship, he'd been telling me he loved me for a couple months, and I to this day believe he meant it as nothing more than a close friendship type of love. I'd even gotten so comfortable that I'd tell him I loved him back. Then, a couple months after this started, he stopped calling and asking to hang out. I'd call him instead, and he was never home (granted, he IS a year older, and was already at CSUN, but still…), so he never really had time to visit. But, when he was home on weekends visiting, he didn't have time for me either.
I think the moment I realized that the close friendship we'd cultivated and shared for so many years was over was when I was at a bar or bat mitzvah, miserable out of my mind. I called him, and he picked up the phone. When I told him I missed him, and wanted to see him soon, there was hesitation on his side of the line. There was a long pause before he told me he missed me too, but he had to go. That was the breaking point. When my family left that damned bar or bat mitzvah, I was struggling to keep my composure. I'm still not sure how I lasted until I got home before crying.
I think he broke me that day. It's years later, and I still can find guys attractive, but none have really made me stand up and take notice. I can't feel more than friendship for them, and I'm scared that I'm going to end up alone for the rest of my life.
I just want to hug and cuddle Andy one more time. He was my friend, my protector, and in many non-physical ways, the love of my life. I just hope he wasn't my soul mate. That would just kill me now, since if I ever really saw him again, I don't think I'd be able to talk to him without trying to hurt him the way he's hurt me.
Strangely enough, I don't think he realized or cared about how much he hurt me.
Thursday, August 28, 2008
Consider This the 'Broken Heart Journal Entry'...
Somehow, I didn’t think I could hurt this much ever again. I guess I really fell for Warren in only 2 days. I’ve been checking my email every few hours, hoping beyond all hope that he’ll respond to my email. I guess I’m just stupid. Now my chest is burning with tears that I don’t want to shed over the fact that there is no response, and I’m still all alone.
I know that I’ve been told countless times that I’m rather attractive, but I’ve never felt that way. I’m a short, stubby girl who has only got big boobs going for her. I am constantly reminded that I’m heavier than I should be, to the point that I can’t even accept my body at all. I’m just an entity living in it.
And to make it worse, I can only dream of having someone special to me. There is no one, except the ones who are in my dreams, regardless of how much I want more.
My friends all have boyfriends, yet I do not, and I wish that I did more than anything else. I’m desperate beyond all reasons that I can rationalize.
Warren not responding really hurts, and I’m not sure why. Maybe it’s because he listened to me while I talked, and I felt this warm connection to him. Maybe the reason is entirely different. For the first time in my life, I really FELT when I first saw him. He was cute, and totally not the typical kind of guy I like. He’s blond, for one. I tend to go for brunettes. Then he’s also really smart, and foreign. He spoke of things I can only dream of doing, like going overseas to a place where he’s got no family nearby. How I wish I could do that.
But there was just, this spark. My chest felt constricted when I looked at him, and not in a bad way. I was hot and cold, and my heart simultaneously sped up and slowed down when he first smiled at me.
I really considered missing the premiere of Wolverine and the X-Men just to continue to talk to him. I’m kinda glad that I didn’t, though.
When I spoke to him, I told him about my writing, and we discussed alternate universes where the opposite happens to whatever happens here. For example, I told him that if I had a chance to either go on a date or go out with my friends, but I chose the date and got into a bad car accident on the way home in this universe, then in the alternate universe I would have gone with my friends and been fine.
I started thinking about how that would affect what happened with me when I met him. If I had chosen to stay and chat instead of going to the premiere, what would have happened? If I had chosen not to go at all, then I never would have met him. Hell, I never would have had the chance to search him out as I left to say goodnight. I wonder if that was the wrong thing to do.
Maybe I scared him away the next day, by going with Jenna and letting him know that I took the time to search for him, just so I could ask for his email and tell him that I enjoyed talking to him the night before. At least I got a picture and his email, which brings me back to where I started. I’m now wondering how often he checks his email, and if I’ll ever get a response, especially since it looks like I’m not getting one today.
My heart is clenching in a bad way at the thought. I need to talk to him again. I should have asked for his phone number, or given him my email or something. But then again, if I had, maybe he would have thought less of me…
I don’t know how he feels about me, and I think that hurts the most.
I know that I’ve been told countless times that I’m rather attractive, but I’ve never felt that way. I’m a short, stubby girl who has only got big boobs going for her. I am constantly reminded that I’m heavier than I should be, to the point that I can’t even accept my body at all. I’m just an entity living in it.
And to make it worse, I can only dream of having someone special to me. There is no one, except the ones who are in my dreams, regardless of how much I want more.
My friends all have boyfriends, yet I do not, and I wish that I did more than anything else. I’m desperate beyond all reasons that I can rationalize.
Warren not responding really hurts, and I’m not sure why. Maybe it’s because he listened to me while I talked, and I felt this warm connection to him. Maybe the reason is entirely different. For the first time in my life, I really FELT when I first saw him. He was cute, and totally not the typical kind of guy I like. He’s blond, for one. I tend to go for brunettes. Then he’s also really smart, and foreign. He spoke of things I can only dream of doing, like going overseas to a place where he’s got no family nearby. How I wish I could do that.
But there was just, this spark. My chest felt constricted when I looked at him, and not in a bad way. I was hot and cold, and my heart simultaneously sped up and slowed down when he first smiled at me.
I really considered missing the premiere of Wolverine and the X-Men just to continue to talk to him. I’m kinda glad that I didn’t, though.
When I spoke to him, I told him about my writing, and we discussed alternate universes where the opposite happens to whatever happens here. For example, I told him that if I had a chance to either go on a date or go out with my friends, but I chose the date and got into a bad car accident on the way home in this universe, then in the alternate universe I would have gone with my friends and been fine.
I started thinking about how that would affect what happened with me when I met him. If I had chosen to stay and chat instead of going to the premiere, what would have happened? If I had chosen not to go at all, then I never would have met him. Hell, I never would have had the chance to search him out as I left to say goodnight. I wonder if that was the wrong thing to do.
Maybe I scared him away the next day, by going with Jenna and letting him know that I took the time to search for him, just so I could ask for his email and tell him that I enjoyed talking to him the night before. At least I got a picture and his email, which brings me back to where I started. I’m now wondering how often he checks his email, and if I’ll ever get a response, especially since it looks like I’m not getting one today.
My heart is clenching in a bad way at the thought. I need to talk to him again. I should have asked for his phone number, or given him my email or something. But then again, if I had, maybe he would have thought less of me…
I don’t know how he feels about me, and I think that hurts the most.
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