Andy

Hey guys, this one is really personal to me, and it is something that's completely true to me. If you're uncomfortable with a blog post that mentions sex, this would be a good post to ignore...

















I can't stand it. I can't stand thinking about Andy and missing him and realizing that when I fantasize about sex, I see him moving over me, in me, around me, love shining at me through his dark sensual eyes. I haven't seen him nor talked to him in years, and I still miss the relationship I had with my former best friend. Andy was the best I had, and then I lost him, and lost a part of me. I want him back in my life with a desperation that I know nowhere else in me.

There isn't a day that passes when I don't think about him, even if only for a brief second.

At this point, he's been gone from my life so long that I'm kind of numb thinking about him, but then I walk by something or see something that reminds me of him, and I'm no longer numb. My chest burns in pain, and I wish desperately again to see him, hang out like we used to…

I'll always remember watching The 10th Kingdom with him, him laying on the couch, me laying on his chest, just relaxing together, smiling, and enjoying some quality escapism on the laptop screen in front of us.

I remember that he fell asleep under me once, missed at least half an hour of the movie, and while he slept, his arm came down and wrapped around my waist. I wish now that I'd had the foresight to ask my mom or dad to take a picture of us like that. It would be a comfort for me now.

However, I just can't forget that he chose his girlfriend over me. I understand that there's a distinction between a man's best friend and his girlfriend, especially when he's a year older than his best friend. But, from what I do recall of our relationship, he'd been telling me he loved me for a couple months, and I to this day believe he meant it as nothing more than a close friendship type of love. I'd even gotten so comfortable that I'd tell him I loved him back. Then, a couple months after this started, he stopped calling and asking to hang out. I'd call him instead, and he was never home (granted, he IS a year older, and was already at CSUN, but still…), so he never really had time to visit. But, when he was home on weekends visiting, he didn't have time for me either.

I think the moment I realized that the close friendship we'd cultivated and shared for so many years was over was when I was at a bar or bat mitzvah, miserable out of my mind. I called him, and he picked up the phone. When I told him I missed him, and wanted to see him soon, there was hesitation on his side of the line. There was a long pause before he told me he missed me too, but he had to go. That was the breaking point. When my family left that damned bar or bat mitzvah, I was struggling to keep my composure. I'm still not sure how I lasted until I got home before crying.

I think he broke me that day. It's years later, and I still can find guys attractive, but none have really made me stand up and take notice. I can't feel more than friendship for them, and I'm scared that I'm going to end up alone for the rest of my life.

I just want to hug and cuddle Andy one more time. He was my friend, my protector, and in many non-physical ways, the love of my life. I just hope he wasn't my soul mate. That would just kill me now, since if I ever really saw him again, I don't think I'd be able to talk to him without trying to hurt him the way he's hurt me.

Strangely enough, I don't think he realized or cared about how much he hurt me.